now i see.

// i found this tucked away in a draft that i never published and today i just decided to click publish even though it doesn't feel ready or finished. because now i see.

it's raining and my hair is frizzy, but my heart is at rest.
i've been learning what it means to be still. to be still in a busy world, in a busy schedule. these past few weeks have been so good- so absolutely full and crazy and wildly beautiful. this season of life has been discovering the way a good Father delights in giving good gifts to His children. ah, i can't even. God has just been so good in allowing me to use things i'm passionate about as something i've been doing for the last three months. every day, i've been waking up to spend the morning in a kitchen doing something i love. and my little dream to work in a coffee shop one day, He remembered that. and my love for graphic design and quotes and Scripture- He remembered that too. when i think about all that, my heart is overwhelmed because God didn't have to give me all that in one season, but He did.
but now i only have two weeks left. countdowns have started.
rest in Him, my restless heart. He is still good. He still holds a plan. He is still working. 

now i see. He's bringing those same things back again, but this summer was the testing point. did i trust Him even when i couldn't see clearly? do i know that His plans are still far above my highest dreams? was He truly the source of joy in my life? 
so many hard questions, but this has been a season of finding the real answers to them and not just the head answers.
if everything was stripped away, Jesus, i still choose you. 

xoxo. 

on choosing forgiveness.

(written on the second to last day of january)

you know, it scares me that it only takes seeing your name for the walls in my heart to start going up.
because i immediately remember the journal entry with a thirteen year old's hope scrawled into the words "maybe we can actually be friends now." and then the stabbing pain that came two days later when you literally ignored my existence.
you used me.

and just writing those three words brings a lump into my throat, it sounds so harsh, and i hate that. but it's true. you used me.

being used always hurts, but being used with a young heart so full of hope can almost break that heart. 

forgiveness. that word keeps being spoken to my heart. forgiveness. forgiveness. forgiveness. i have to choose it. it is so hard, but it is my only choice. this is what i have been called to do- forgive, love, be open and vulnerable, forgive, love, and forgive some more.  and i am choosing forgiveness no matter how big this lump in my throat is or how much my heart aches at the thought of risking the pain once again.

i choose forgiveness.
                          (because it first chose me.)

xoxo. -m

the ache of regret.

"the stupidest thing i ever did was move back when she was happy there.
 i would have never lost her if i would have just stayed."

we are all sitting around the kitchen table looking at old photographs that you had found in your old room. my heart broke when you said those words because i looked into your eyes and saw the regret built up like a brick wall. in that moment, i would have done anything to bring back the happy ending to the broken fairy tale.

you've screwed up a lot and you know that, but what i don't think you know is--
you are a fighter and you're still strong, even when the fight has been long and weary.
your laughter warms my heart because i can hear how deep it rumbles.
you still love fiercely, even with the long goodbyes and scheduled visits.

i don't think you know how much you are loved. it's a long chain of broken communicators and even i know how messy it can get when they don't know how to say the words. but, even when the words can't seem to take form and the silence is so loud, the love is still there, even if it's a bit rusty and buried in dust. and i think it's the reason you keep coming home, no matter how many times you get lost or broken.

and they may tell you that you're breaking their hearts again, but there is a reason their hearts can still be broken. and it's the reason they drive to pick you up at the bus station even when they don't think you made the right decision. you are loved.
and don't forget about the Love that is always flowing and always fresh. it's speaking loudly, over the brokenness and it's still saying the same thing it has said since the beginning of time-- "i love you, i love you, i loved so much that i died for you. come home... please come home."
you are loved beyond measure.

and i know you're trying, trying so hard to stop running, trying so hard to fix the mess, trying to be a father, trying to get back on the right track. but just remember, you don't have to try so hard, because there is still Love.
there is always Love.

xoxo. -m

incoherent rambling

*written last night*

it's 10:04 pm.  it's been a long day and i just have this urge to write. so unedited thoughts happening now.

today, a guy at church told me my combination of mustard yellow and dark purple was a "striking combination..." it was super sweet, although slightly weird because of who it came from. and somebody remembered my name from our brief meeting a month ago. i'm once again astounded how having someone simply say your name can be so heartwarming.

i'm turning seventeen in two weeks. holy crap. how even. i'm so not ready for this and yet i've never been more ready in my life.
i'm so freaking stoked for the adventures that 2015 has already promised. i'm going to meet thirty of the sweetest girls and women i've ever known. i'm going to fly to washington (after having it on the very top of my bucket list for years now) to meet these incredible women and i get to spend five days seeking the face of Jesus, cultivating deeper relationships, and learning about being an artist all in the same trip. i'm going to be headed to pensacola, florida for my high school graduation in the spring and i started all of my second/last semester classes. it's surreal that this is truly my last few months as a high-schooler. family reunions are being planned and i'm already dreaming of my driver's license and weekend camping trips this summer. along with hopefully going through a semester at ellerslie this fall.
there are so many possibilities and everything seems like a wide open slate, now i need to find the courage needed to boldly write adventures upon it. 

i've been reading do hard things by the harris brothers and it's been rocking my world. i strikes absolute fear into my heart to think that i've already been alive for seventeen years and yet i feel i don't have much to show for it. but, RIGHT NOW is the exactly the time i've always dreamed of living. except i've found that the freedom i thought "growing up" is, feels a little more like a mild sense of captivity and i never imagined it would be this hard to figure out why it's so easy to cry when your life is relatively great.
i never thought i'd be so caught in this gripping fear of being hurt and being vulnerable and yet such a longing for community while figuring out how hard it is to be the one cultivating that.

yet, i think my nine year old self would be proud to know that i wear pearls now and listen to one direction without shame (okay, i don't think my nine year old self even knew that one direction existed, but whatever). i think she'd be proud to know that i'm learning to manage my wild curls (still figuring that out, but learning to embrace the messy... and frizzy) and that i wear red nail polish and sometimes red lipstick. i know she'd be proud to know that Jesus has never been more real in my heart and that sometimes simply thinking about him makes my heart almost burst from pure joy. and i bet she's proud to know that after all the pain and drama, i've learned how to rise. 

it's 10:27pm and my toes are cold and my fingers tired.

on realizing the importance of being surrounded by good people.

the older i get the more i realize how important it is to have good people surrounding you in life.
but i think it goes beyond the cliche of saying "you become like your friends"...

it's more like coming home at night with a smile you can't erase and your heart dancing,
not because anything extraordinary happened, but laughter was shared and in the laughter- there was love.

it's the mornings you wake up with a happy feeling in your heart because you realize they were in your dream and although your dream was ridiculously stupid and completely invalid-- they were still there, with you. 

it's the late night chats that don't end until "oh, wait, it's 11:11. again. I probably should get to bed now." because although technology is often our chosen mask, it is also our connection. because fingers on a keyboard in a different city and a white screen in front of you is still better than being alone.

it's like getting a group message from people you've lost track of and didn't know how to regain the lost and wanting to all get together again soon.

and sometimes it may feel like you have only that one person who you can really bare your heart with, but sometimes that's okay. and sometimes all the other people in your life are friendships that just need a little more fertilizer to continue growing.

xoxo. -m

letters to humans | v.5

(letters to humans, the documentation of human experience and encounters told by moi.)

dear human,

the fact that you said my name today although we've literally never talk made my day 100x better. it wasn't anything extraordinary, you were just asking me a question about rice and beans, but you said my name and that made the world of difference. i don't know why-- i've never quite been able to figure it out, but when i hear someone say my name, it makes my twisted human heart swell. i guess it's just the thought that someone cares enough to remember who i am. 

so yeah, thanks for that.

love,

the girl who cut off 8 inches of her hair, however it still looks relatively the same. #dontevenask #curlyhairproblems

currently quoting:

“That’s what stories are for. Stories are for joining the past to the future. Stories are for those late hours in the night when you can’t remember how you got from where you were to where you are. Stories are for eternity, when memory is erased, when there is nothing to remember except the story.”

—    Tim O’Brien, The Things They Carried 

letters to humans | v. 4

dear sweet little old lady with the bright turquoise earrings and coral lipstick,

we were having lunch in a darling little diner in my favorite mountain town with an old friend and you were sitting in the booth next to the window. you smiled as we sat down.
the place was crowded and i got distracted by telling an awkward story and then completed the story by spilling my glass of water on my lap.(smooth, marcia. smooth.)
but i got my burger, trish got her omlette, miss patty got her reuben, and momma got her soup and salad. we said a prayer and then swapped french fries, a half of biscuit, onion slices as we chatted.
i didn't even think twice about it.

we were just finishing the last bits of our lunch when your party was leaving, on your way out, you lingered at our booth and said--
"i want to thank you, ladies, for your Christian witness. that was beautiful!"

your voice was slow and your hands were shaky, but your words went right to my heart.

thank you for that,
the girl with the icecube in her shoe. (that darn glass of water.)

(letters to humans, the documentation of human experience and encounters told by moi.)

currently quoting:
"Melt your heart by remembering grace."  -- Tim Keller 
currently listening:

restless nights and dreams about you

my nights have been really restless lately. i've been tossing and turning and watching neon blue minutes on the clock pass with my mind spinning a thousand miles per hour.

but i found myself dreaming about   you   last night...
and when i woke up a 3:00 a.m, i found a smile dancing on my face.

-- m.m.

that october thursday.

"you know, I am really happy right now... and it was because of your hug, there are some days where I just am not totally happy, and now I know why-- It's because I haven't hugged you yet.

you know, I'm really am on cloud nine right now because I am so happy." 

i found this quote scribbled in one of my old journals, it took me a few seconds before i could place where it was from.
and then i remembered and my heart cried and smiled at the same time. 

xx.
-marcia

letters to humans | v.3

dear young dad who was talking to his baby while shopping in sam's club,
"are you ready to go shopping with daddy? we're going to go buy some food, yes we areee."
your son's eyes were shining, even at such a young age, i can tell he already adores you.
please, i beg you with every thing inside of me, don't ever stop investing in his life. don't ever stop being his hero. don't ever stop listening to him.

love,
the girl who was trying to balance three bags of frozen dinner rolls

guys, i swear it was the cutest thing ever and it gave my heart fuzzies for days afterward, it was just him and his baby boy which was probably a few months old, and he was just cooing and talking to him nonstop. gahh, my heart.

(letters to humans, the documentation of human experience and encounters told by moi.)

currently quoting:

"you have listened to the fears, child." said aslan. "come, let me breath on you. forget them. are you brave again?"

// c.s. lewis

currently listening:

letters to humans | v.2

dear girl on the phone crying under the b17 gate sign in the atlanta airport,

it's been four months since i saw you crying while sitting on the dirty airport floor.
i had just arrived at my gate with my iced coffee, ready and armed for the flight. i was just thinking how pretty you were when we made brief eye contact. you smiled a brave smile and i noticed your eyes were red and puffy. i went back to my seat, but couldn't shake you from my mind.
i'm sorry i wasn't brave enough to give you a hug and tell you everything was going to be alright.

love,
the girl with regrets.

(letters to humans, the documentation of human experience and encounters told by moi.)

currently quoting:
"she reminded me of the sea; the way she came dancing towards you, wild and beautiful, and just when she was almost close enough to touch, she'd rush away again."
//  glenda millard

currently listening:

letters to humans | v.i

dear sam's club guy with stellar hair and deep brown eyes,

it was a saturday and the place was insanely busy. i was feeling introverted and didn't really want to be there, but then you made eye contact, flashed a winning smile, walked over and asked me if i had been finding everything okay.
i smiled and nodded. you told me to have a wonderful day and flashed that smile again.
my day turned out pretty wonderfully, thank you.
love,
the girl in the stripes.

(letters to humans, the documentation of human experience and encounters told by moi.)



currently quoting: 
"I love this place, the place where your feet walk and your heart soars, where your dreams grow and your hope flows, where your tears have shown and your smile has glowed. I love this place and one day, I'd like to live with you there. 
- t.b. laberge // unwritten letters to you

currently listening:

one verse + one photograph

 

" your smile made me loose my breath,
  but your arms held me
  until my lungs remembered to breath again."

(inspired by a dream i had last night.) 

xx. marcia

a quote.

(typography by yours truly) 

i want to show you that you aren't perfect, but you're still worth loving.

I have this deep desire to know you- to truly, truly know who you are deep inside that beautiful soul of yours.

I want to know if you dance in the rain or if you’d rather listen to the consistent pattering of the raindrops on the roof. I want to know what makes you tick and what ticks you off. I want to know your biggest fear and deepest wish. I want to know about the people you’ve loved, lost, and kept on loving. I want to know what day is your favorite, and what month is your least favorite.

I want to know if you order the same thing every time you go to a coffee shop or if you constantly change it up. I want to know about the month of sleep you lost because of the long nights you spent searching.I want to know what you found, and how many tears it took to find it. I want to hear you talk about the good times- the awkward moments, the dance parties, the laughter, and the happy tears.

I want to hear about the person you met in the grocery store buying bread, but later thought about how easy it would have been to fall in love with somebody who owned a smile so bright. I want you to tell me about your favorite book as a child, and how you still read it sometimes. I want to know if you start each morning with a cup of black coffee or if mornings aren’t really your thing.

I want to know how you define yourself, and if you truly see what you’re worth. I want to hear about your dreams and ambitions. I want to what makes you feel broken, and what type of music you listen to when you are awake at 2 am. I want to know about the struggles and triumphs. And I want to know about the little victories.

I guess I just want to know the messy parts of you- the parts you’re afraid of showing.

I want to fall in love with your heart, mind, and soul- I want to show you that you aren’t perfect, but you’re still worth loving. 

—

m.m

it was all worth it.

it took seven months of trying to let you go.
seven long months of a heavy heart and tired soul, and just when i've thought i finally let you go-
i found out you found someone else.
something inside me churned, not because i was jealous, but because it was the final stamp in my heart saying
"it's all over. move on."
i felt a stabbing pain for a two full minutes and then i noticed something, you were almost smiling.
i haven't seen a real smile on your face for almost a year. and i know you have absolutely no idea how much i missed seeing it.
but despite the overload of grain and filter editing in that photo of the two of you, i saw that smirk you used to get when we were together.
and suddenly...
all these weeks of feeling your pain and hurting because i knew you were hurting too, were worth it, just because of that smirk.

i am so glad you are learning how to be happy again- i truly am (even if i'm not one of the things that bring you happiness).
and i hope with all the hope inside me that you will only find more happiness in the future (and i pray that happiness lands solely in Jesus Christ.)

currently quoting: "Become so full of grace that you allow your pain to turned into hope for someone else." -breakmychains on tumblr
currently listening:

xx. marcia

photos from my first solo airport adventure:
// first time at bojangles in charlotte, north carolina
// watching airplanes
// good books and pumpkin spice lattes

twelve months

i wrote this twelve months ago...it's funny how things can change so much, but still be the same.currently reading: wives and daughterscurrently quoting: "I am looking for someone to share in an adventure I am arranging and it's very difficult to find anyone. - j.r.r tolkien currently listening:xx. marcia

mangled thoughts + a cliche` quote

"my thoughts are stars that i cannot fathom into constellations." - john green.

did i just quote the most cliche` john green quote ever? um, yeah. it's super cheesy and cliche` (and honestly pathetic), but right now it's just accurate.
i feel like i have so many things spinning around in this head of mine. the starts of many good things, and the starts of some stupid things. but the thing is- i only have pieces of the puzzle. i can't seem to put the pieces (err. stars) together to form my constellations. it's so frustrating because my two favorite seasons have started, and i'm filled with anticipation and nostalgia. but i feel it's all going to waste because i can't get myself together.

i'm just sitting here thinking of all the things i want to start, stuff i want to write, photographs i want to take, places i want to go.... and it's just getting all twisted up.

basically, i just need to find a way to refocus and stop spinning.

currently reading: a tree grows in brooklyn - betty smith
currently quoting: "i'd rather have coffee than compliments right now." - jo march (lousia may alcott)
currently listening:


xx. marcia

i am...

i am the girl who sits up late a night with her headphones wrapped in a blanket of nostalgia.
i am the polaroid photos stashed away in a box.
i am the photographer who hides behind the camera because she's afraid of being on the other side.
i am the worn book stuck on the back of the shelf.
i am the dark gray sky right before a storm.

i am the wild sunflower hidden in the field.
i am the rays of sunshine coming through the blinds in the morning.
i am the tearfilled journal entries.
i am the one who hides away in a corner waiting.
i am the favorite photographs taped onto the wall.
i am the pencils and pens scattered across the desk instead of neatly standing in their mason jar.

i am the sound of the first drops of rain.
i am the the torn fingernail on the fourth finger.
i am the last autumn leaf on the tree.
i am the smell of cinnamon pumpkin spice lattes.

i am the first winter snow.
i am the girl who cries at night.
i am the country song on repeat.
i am the unmade bed and messy room.

i am the needle spinning on the record player.
i am the sleepless nights.
i am the stray curls that forever escape the bobby pins.
i am the stretch mark on my left thigh.
i am the summer starry night.
i am the dandelion dust dancing in the wind.

i am the lyric that plays over and over in your head.
i am the favorite pintrest board.
i am the memories of those long summer nights.
i am the favorite song on the radio.
i am the to-do lists written on the backs of old envelopes.

i am the books stacked on top of another row of books because of the lack of space on the shelf.
i am the little box under my bed filled with scraps of favorite memories and just ordinary life.
i am the dancing Pooh bear who is taped on the wall.
i am the stacked empty tea boxes which are no longer empty but filled with all sorts and bits of things.

i am the lost child saved by abundant grace.
i am redeemed.
i am  a l i v e.

(inspired by mikaliah's post)

bonjour!

hello, darling.

i created this space because i felt i needed some where i could be completely honest and real.
this is going to be personal. i struggle. i love too fiercely. i make mistakes. but i want to LIVE. because that is why i was created. this is going to be a journal of sorts, some days i might post a quote, a pretty photography, a song i'm obsessing over, or just what's on my heart... i don't know how often i'll post, it may be every day for a time. it may be once a month. i really don't know...

honestly, i'm not sure where this is all going, but i have a feeling it will all work out.

"Getting by on just a little sleep and coffee cups, learning through the downs, living for the ups. All I know is that I feel alive, and it's a real good ride." 

better than this - hunter hayes

xx. marcia