you know, it scares me that it only takes seeing your name for the walls in my heart to start going up.
because i immediately remember the journal entry with a thirteen year old's hope scrawled into the words "maybe we can actually be friends now." and then the stabbing pain that came two days later when you literally ignored my existence.
you used me.
and just writing those three words brings a lump into my throat, it sounds so harsh, and i hate that. but it's true. you used me.
being used always hurts, but being used with a young heart so full of hope can almost break that heart.
forgiveness. that word keeps being spoken to my heart. forgiveness. forgiveness. forgiveness. i have to choose it. it is so hard, but it is my only choice. this is what i have been called to do- forgive, love, be open and vulnerable, forgive, love, and forgive some more. and i am choosing forgiveness no matter how big this lump in my throat is or how much my heart aches at the thought of risking the pain once again.
i choose forgiveness.
(because it first chose me.)
xoxo. -m
Gosh darn it, I so know how that feels.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, there was a boy, a broken boy.
There was also a girl, a healed girl.
That girl tried to help heal the boy, and the boy ended up
trying to break the girl.
The girl felt used, the girl felt hurt, but she was not broken.
The broken boy left, leaving every good thing behind, including the girl.
But the girl chose forgiveness over sadness, and still prays for the boy
who didn't care, the broken boy.
Slam poetry hits when you least expect it.
I know how it feels, but holding onto those feelings is like drink poison
and waiting for the other person to be affected by it. Forgiveness is the mature,
wise, and better choice for you, and them.